Building a Healthy Relationship with Your Supervisor: Giving and Getting Respect
By Debra Mandel, Ph.D.
Alison, a thirty-five year old account manager, cringed every time she had to ask her boss for anything. Whether it was a question about her work, or a request for an extra vacation day, she would become fearful. Though her boss rarely came across as anything but even-tempered, Alison continually anticipated that he would become angry and would shout at her. In an attempt to thwart this expected response, she would become meek and childlike, losing her professionalism.
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"In order to create a positive and productive relationship with our supervisors, we must become aware of any leftover emotional wounds or unrealistic expectations," said Debra Mandel.
Often, Alison would sidestep speaking up directly, hoping that her supervisor would read her mind. He would inevitably fail. She would feel cheated, confirming her impression that he was taking advantage of her without proper reward. Unbeknownst to Alison, she was responding to her boss as though he were similar to her father who had verbally abused her in childhood.
Katie, a forty-year-old woman in middle management, harbored resentment at having to answer to anyone. She constantly expected special favors and was appalled when her requests weren't granted. She would act out by showing up late or making up far-fetched excuses for why she wasn't meeting her deadlines. She had already been fired for attitude problems from two previous jobs. Unconsciously, Katie was setting herself up for strike three. She was unaware that she was rebelling against those in authority to compensate for having been stifled and disregarded in childhood by her caregivers.
Tom, a thirty-eight-year-old sales representative for a large company, constantly vied with the other sales reps in a desperate search for accolades and strokes from the CEO. He would go out of his way to befriend his boss, disregarding professional boundaries. Unbeknownst to Tom, he was trying to win his boss's approval in a way that he had never received from his father. The CEO, however, had more important things to do than spend his time adoring Tom. Though he actually thought of Tom as a great salesman, he would be forced to set very firm limits. Tom often felt rejected and wounded, not able to understand why his boss didn't like him (or so he thought).
Most of us have had a time or two when a boss or someone in authority has pushed one of our sensitivity buttons. Sometimes our reactions are completely justified, based on inappropriate behavior from the boss. Yet, more often than not, our reactions are based on projections stemming from childhood. If we were emotionally wounded, neglected, or abused in childhood, we're likely to project negative behavior onto others in authority. If, on the other hand, we had nurturing, supportive caregivers, we're liable to project the positive. However, whether positive or negative, anytime we are projecting from past experience instead of relying on present reality, we are having what's known as "transference reaction." As you can imagine, the relationship between a boss and an employee/subordinate mimics that which exists between a parent and a child because of the power difference. Thus, the supervisor-supervisee relationship becomes fertile ground for transference.
When transference is operating, we stop communicating effectively. We become childlike and may resort to immature behavior like whining, yelling, becoming enraged, or calling in sick when we're not. Sometimes we may act out our feelings in more passive ways by showing up late to work, not meeting our deadlines, or burdening others with our duties. When we have a conflict with a boss or supervisor, if we're not careful, we may succumb to gossiping or bad-mouthing him or her.
Though these methods of expression can produce short-term relief from our upset, in the end, if we continue these behaviors, we're liable to get ourselves fired, become unable to meet the demands of our job description, and/or lose favor with our co-workers and supervisors.
In order to create a positive and productive relationship with our supervisors, we must become aware of any leftover emotional wounds or unrealistic expectations we might be carrying from childhood into the workplace. We must deal with the present reality and weed out the transference. In doing so, we can then develop healthy boundaries and communication skills.
Alison, Katie, and Tom, like most of us, all experienced less than ideal caregiving in their childhoods. Alison's dad was an angry man who constantly yelled and called her names. Katie's parents devalued her opinions and thoughts. They restricted her from speaking her mind and stifled her ability to learn effective self-expression. Tom's parents were inept at providing positive reinforcement. They had no idea how to express their love in the ways Tom yearned. Alison, Katie, and Tom each brought their unhealed feelings of deprivation into the workplace, unknowingly expecting their superiors to make up for their losses. They had to recognize that this was too tall of an order and that they needed to let go of this expectation, use themselves as a healing tool, and develop appropriate boundaries and expectations.
If you identify with any of these examples, don't despair. You can learn to communicate effectively with your supervisors by using the following guidelines.
Recognize that you are not a victim. While children have little, if any, real power to make decisions, adults always have options, even if none is very appealing. If your boss treats you with disrespect or exploits you, keep in mind that you have the option to leave the situation temporarily or permanently, if necessary.
Avoid power struggles by accepting two things: your boss has the right to ask for whatever she wants of you, and you have the right to accept or decline the demands.
Take good care of your body, mind, and spirit outside of the workplace. Make sure to get proper sleep, exercise, and nutrition. Develop a social network of support and nurturing friends. And, take time to play and rejuvenate while you're away from work.
Don't harbor resentments. If you feel that you are being taken advantage of, then go directly to your boss and express your feelings. Always use "I" statements and avoid accusations or blame.
Don't personalize the impersonal. Sometimes other people are in a grumpy mood, or on edge. It doesn't necessarily mean that you did something wrong. It's your boss's responsibility to let you know if he/she has a specific gripe with you. Keep in mind that supervisors are not immune from their own transference reactions.
Accept responsibility for your own behavior. This is especially hard if you feel as though you were blamed unfairly for things in childhood, or if you weren't taught to be accountable. But, it's critical to professionalism to take ownership of your own actions. If you're coming to work with personal problems or unrealistic expectations about what your employment can fulfill in your life, then it's your job to get these in check.
Most importantly, keep in mind that your boss is not your parent. He or she is an individual whom you choose to work for. If you act like an adult, do the job you were hired to do, and set healthy limits, then you're likely to be treated with the respect you deserve. If not, then you always have the option to quit.
About the Author
Debra Mandel, Ph.D., renowned psychologist, columnist, speaker, and media expert is the author of Your Boss Is Not Your Mother: Eight Steps to Eliminating Office Drama and Creating Positive Relationships and Work (Agate, 2006), Healing the Sensitive Heart, and two CDs, Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace and The Abuser Friendly Syndrome. She has appeared on multiple national television and radio programs, and has hosted her own radio show. Visit Dr. Debra on the web at www.drdebraonline.com. She practices out of Thousand Oaks and Encino, CA. Contact her at dmdoc@earthlink.net or 818.335.6309 or 310.477.4849.
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